A Grieving Friend -- Some Advice About What (Not) To Say

Grief has settled on my heart these last two weeks.  Two people I care for deeply have lost close loved ones.  Though my heart breaks, this is not my grief.  It is theirs and to pretend this is about me would be the height of pride.

I recently heard a panel of widows of varying ages give advice on what is helpful... and what isn't.  Here is what they said, with a few of my thoughts mixed in:

1. You don't have to SAY anything.  For someone who is grieving the loss of a close loved one, such as a child or a spouse, no words will take away their pain.  The comfort comes in knowing that you love them enough to sit with them in their choking grief.  You are available and didn't run away.  Words like, "I love you" are helpful. "I'm sorry" is less helpful.  It forces the grieving to tell you that it's okay when it is exactly the opposite.

2. Don't inflict the grieving mother or widow with your attempt to find meaning in her loss.  "God will work this for good" not only isn't helpful, but it assumes that we love a God that is a sadist.  It was not His plan that cancer took a young father or that a woman face years of isolation because her spouse has died.  Oh, and please don't use cliches like, "God will only give you what you can handle."  That's bad theology, and it is hurtful.

3. Do talk about the person who died.  Never mentioning the name of the lost loved one implies that their life had no meaning - and that thought is nearly unbearable.  It is comforting for the grieving person to hear how her loved one touched the lives of others.  It is healing to laugh at the memory of fun moments or silly antics.

4. Take something "off her plate."  The decisions that have to be made by next of kin in the moments and weeks (sometimes, years) following a loss can be overwhelming even if the death was expected.  Don't ask if she needs anything.  She likely isn't able to formulate coherent thoughts on the subject.  Go ahead and fill her freezer with simple meals. Organize the dinner after the service. Clean her bathrooms because there are bound to be guests. If you aren't sure and you aren't the best friend, sister, etc, find her "person."  They'll tell you.

5. Be there for the long haul.  When the world has resumed it's routine, the grief remains.  Some days it is less overwhelming than others, but the loss isn't gone.  She'll still need someone to talk to and cry with after the "appropriate" grieving period has passed.  Be there. If she was half of a couple, remember that she needs to be hugged from time to time.  Go ahead and invite her out to dinner, even though the table won't be even.  Take her to see a movie.
The truth is that our Heavenly Father hurts with us because He knows how it feels to lose a loved one.  He lost His Son (though briefly) on the cross.  Jesus cried over Lazarus and His heart went out to the widow of Nain.  Ask Him to equip you to love on your grieving sister and He will happily give you what you need to be His hands and His feet.

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. ~ Hebrews 6:19-20a